


Making Up for Lost Time

by blubrry



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Lots and lots of pain, and pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 06:54:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9589658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blubrry/pseuds/blubrry
Summary: Charlotte Shepard often has nightmares.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [izzybeejones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzybeejones/gifts).



> I wrote this as an early birthday present for a friend. Charlotte is her Shepard.

_ Wake up. Wake up. Wake up… _

Charlotte forces her eyes open, and the soft blue hue covering the room that she’s seeing instead of the pitch black nothingness lets her know she’s no longer dreaming. It takes her a second to realise that the noise she’s hearing is actually herself, struggling to breathe normally.

She turns on her back, trying to relax every muscle in her body in an attempt to calm herself. Her eyes are fixated on the ceiling - she’s still afraid of the darkness she sees when she closes them.

_ It was just a bad dream. _

Her bed feels empty without Chris. These days she can hardly fall asleep without him - without knowing that he’s safe and unharmed. But he has his own life and he can’t take care of her all the time. Especially now that Tali is back on the Normandy. They have plenty of catching up to do, Charlotte knows that. She doesn’t want him to throw that away because of her.

She absolutely hates reliving her death and the consequences it brought, but she would never hesitate to sacrifice herself for her brother again. He’s all she has, after all. Him, and that stupid hamster. They must have owned at least a dozen of hamsters, but every time one dies and they get a new one they just pretend it’s the same animal. They talk to it like it is, bringing up old memories, telling it about their days. It’s a habit they picked up when they were small. When they could rely on no one else but themselves. A rodent incapable of talking is very unlikely to spill their secrets, therefore it’s easy to trust. Unlike people.

Before she even knows where she wants to go, her legs are working on their own, taking her to the elevator. Muscle memory helps her out while her mind is still focused on her nightmares, and she only notices where she is when the low hiss of an opening door drags her back into reality.

“Shepard?” The deep voice is soon joined by a familiar, friendly face.

Kaidan.

“Oh, god, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...” Shepard shakes her head, and she quickly turns on her heels to start walking away, but strong fingers around her wrist pull her back.

“Nightmares again?” Kaidan asks, and he doesn’t remove his hand. It’s been too long since he was allowed to feel the warmth of her skin. He just can’t let go.

Shepard turns back to face him, slowly. She only feels strong enough to nod when she’s looking into his eyes. Those warm brown eyes that feel like home.

“They never stop.”

As Shepard lets out a big sigh, she can feel her heart breaking. She would give anything to feel Kaidan’s arms around her, shielding her from all her bad memories, news about more and more people dying, the Reapers… and just real life in general. What a childish thing to ask for, she scolds herself. Downright selfish. But… she’s just one woman, after all. She has done the impossible many times before and lived to tell about it, but having the fate of the entire galaxy in her hands? It can get a little too much, to say the least.

“I’m sorry, Charlotte.” Kaidan saying her name caresses Shepard’s soul like silk; it helps her calm down, it helps her fight the overwhelming anxiety. “Come, sit with me.” He grabs two bottles of beer - one for Shepard and one for himself - and sits down on the sofa, waiting for Shepard to join him. She doesn’t wait too long to do so.

“How come you’re not asleep?” Shepard asks, downing half of the bottle in one quick swig.

“Well,” Kaidan starts, flashing a melancholy smile, “it’s hard to sleep when you don’t know whether you should mourn your family or be worried about them.”

“I know what you mean, Kaidan.” She rests her head on his shoulder, carefully at first, not sure if it’s appropriate. Kaidan doesn’t push her away though, so she slowly places her whole weight on him, letting herself ease up. “I’m really sorry.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “It’s not your fault.” He keeps his voice low, it’s barely louder than a whisper. He throws an arm around Charlotte’s shoulders - he’s not sure if he should do it, if they’re on good enough terms, but what does he have to lose? - and he gives it a little squeeze.

“It certainly feels like it,” Charlotte sighs. “A lot of people are dead because of me.”

“And even more are still alive.” Kaidan pulls away, straightening his back as he raises his gaze to meet Shepard’s. He’s cracking his knuckles on his lap - he’s nervous. “Listen, Shepard… Charlotte.” Using her first name might help him out. It reminds both of them just how close they used to be - how close they could be again. “If anyone has to apologise, it’s me. I should have known… Back on Horizon, I should have listened to you. I should have known you would never betray us - betray  _ me  _ \- like that. I - I should have…” His voice breaks, and he doesn’t even really know what he wants to say. He has all this bottled up anger and sadness, he’s been letting it age like a fine wine for such a long time. This probably isn’t the best time to let it all out, but who can promise he’s gonna have another time to do it?

“It’s okay, Kaidan. It’s not your fault,” Charlotte repeats his own words back to him. “I literally owe Cerberus my life. I didn’t like it, but… I had to cooperate with them.”

“I know. You had to save humanity.” Kaidan rubs his eyes. He’s tired, he’d like to get some decent sleep for once, but as soon as he closes his lids, as soon as he’s alone in the darkness with nothing but his own thoughts, no meditation, no breathing exercises can help him. The guilt just never leaves. He  _ should _ be doing something important. There’s always  _ something _ . He can’t sleep when millions are dying everywhere.

He can only imagine what Charlotte goes through every day. And that makes him feel even guiltier. He thinks he has it so bad, he could whine all day long about how he can’t sleep well, and then there’s Charlotte Shepard, his commander, his…  _ friend _ , who literally died, came back to life, survived a suicide mission, watched thousands die, and is about to save the entire galaxy, and still she stands strong, calm and collected, demanding respect wherever she goes.

It makes him feel like a tool. He shakes his head, as an attempt to get rid of the thoughts, while Shepard just watches him.

“We lost so much time.” Kaidan’s eyes are locked on his own feet. He’s afraid he’d break down if he had to see the pain in Charlotte’s eyes - those mesmerising, deep blue eyes that radiate kindness. It is true what they say: the eyes really are a window to the soul, he realises. “We could have spent so much more time together.”

Charlotte moves closer to Kaidan, their legs are touching and it makes her heart race. As she puts a hand on the man’s face, fingertips brushing against his rough stubble. To her surprise, Kaidan mimics her movement, placing his own hand on her face.

Kaidan spends a lot of time just staring at Charlotte’s face, probably a lot more than he would ever admit, so the absence of her old scars does not shock him. He’s had plenty of opportunities to observe her new ones, but being able to trace them with his fingers finally lets him get familiar with them.

Yet, he has to realise that he still misses the scars that made Charlotte herself - especially the one that cut her eyebrow into two uneven parts. That was always his favourite.

The complete silence covering the room like a warm blanket is broken by Shepard’s awkward, maybe even embarrassed chuckle. “You’re talking about us like I’m already dead,” she says, looking up into Kaidan’s eyes, and her smile easily gets him to smile too. God, he’s beautiful when he smiles.

“Well, technically, you’re kind of already dead… I mean… you  _ did _ die…”

“Yeah, and I got better.”

Now it’s Kaidan’s time to chuckle. “You really did.” He feels incredibly guilty that he will never be able to put his feelings into words. Everything he can think of just sounds too… empty and dull for what he wants to say. There are no words in the English language to describe Charlotte Shepard. “Didn’t think it was possible, but...”

“Aw.” Shepard tilts her head to the side, looking up at Kaidan through her lashes. The same smirk is still on her lips. “Are you trying to say I was always good enough for you, Major Alenko?”

“Don’t call me that in the middle of such an important discussion, Charlotte. It’s… It makes me feel weird.” Is he blushing? He can feel his cheeks burning - god, he hopes it’s not showing. He’s a  _ Spectre _ , he shouldn’t blush. That’s for teenage girls.

“You didn’t answer my question, Kaidan.”

He looks away for a few seconds, then brings his gaze back to meet Shepard’s. “Y-yes.”

Kaidan is waiting for Shepard to start teasing him, he knows very well that she loves doing that, but instead he just sees tears in her eyes. Before he can reach out to wipe one off that’s rolling down her cheek she throws herself at him, and she’s holding him so close with her arms around his neck that he can barely breathe. Without thinking, Kaidan hugs her back, burying his face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her familiar scent with closed eyes. She feels soft and warm and squishy and vulnerable, but most importantly, she feels like home. After long, long years he finally feels… calm. He finally feels like he’s right here he’s supposed to be.

“I missed you,” Charlotte breathes. Her tears are falling on Kaidan’s shirt, but she can barely see the pattern they create. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart.”

 


End file.
